God and the man

A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all."
So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time,so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"
God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."
The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?"
God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."
The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me five cents please?"
God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son. Just wait five minutes!"

http://www.angelfire.com/on/topfen/jokes.html

Penguin

A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel Schönbrunn when he found a penguin walking along the road.So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.
He said to the policeman "I found this penguin on Hietzinger Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Schönbrunn. What should I do with it?"
The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you shoulddo with it! Take the penguin to Schönbrunn Zoo.
The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police station with the penguin under his arm.
The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"
The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House."

http://www.angelfire.com/on/topfen/jokes.html

2 x 10

Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven?
Because two times ten is twenty, and two times eleven is twenty, too!

A Talkative Public Bathroom

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...
- "Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:
- "Not bad..."
Then the voice says:
- "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:
- "Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."
Then I hear the person say all flustered:
- "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=382

Automation?

Automation?

With HIPAA regulations in full force, this hospital IT technician reminds users that when they print reports containing patient information, those reports can't be left in the printer tray. "They must be either secured under lock and key or shredded," he says.
But one user has a problem: "I don't always have time to pick up my reports from the printer. Is there any way I can set up my PC so I can send my documents directly to the shredder?"

http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=3781

Technology Mistakes

Technology Mistakes

"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" -- Bill Gates, 1981

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=3781